Sunday, September 5, 2010

My demented brain at work

Wade and I were driving to the grocery store today and I pointed out another good place to hide dead bodies. He chuckled because he agrees with me.

Then tonight after dinner we were cleaning up the kitchen and his boss called from the airport saying the battery in her key fob was dead and she couldn't get her car started. We tried to troubleshoot it over the phone but Wade ended up leaving to go help her out. So now I'm sitting here thinking... He's out of the house with a solid alibi. He totally could've hired somebody to come in and kill me (like the movie A Perfect Murder w/ Gwyneth Paltrow and Michael Douglas). Props to you honey if that's the plan. Just don't take my hiding spot!!! Go find your own!!!

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Loophole to prostitution

I think I figured out a way for prostitutes to be legal. If I were a hooker, I could make something stupid, like a ruler, to sell. I would hold up my rulers and when the johns came around, I would quote 50 cents. I'd get their name, background, etc. Then when I'm about to do the deed I tell him I need more money to feed my twelve children. Never do I mention sex. We just happen to hit it off because he likes my rulers, we got to know eachother, and now he's just a friend taking care of me and my kids.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Random thought...

One of my random thoughts... So I'm sitting here on the floor folding clothes and listening to jazz music playing on the TV. I occasionally look up at the TV to see the artist. I wonder how the artists come up with their song titles. Not the jazz songs with words- I'm talking about the ones without words.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Fetish

We have two cats, Bela and Zoey. Zoey has always had a fetish for socks, panties, toys, and even a rug one time. While we're sleeping, he has a huge party dragging anything he can find into our bed. Over the years, we've had to get smart about where we put things so he can't get to them. I bought some hair bows for a friend of mine and left them on the pool table, and of course, they end up in my bed. So I gather them up and put them in a closet. But somehow, hair bows still end up in my bed! I swear, he has a secret stash somewhere! When I fold laundry, I put it back in the basket because it's easier to distribute to everybody's rooms. I ALWAYS put the socks at the bottom so he can't get to them. Well every single time, he finds a way to get them out and they end up in my bed. So last night, I packed my gym bag in preparation for my Monday night workout. Knowing the sock radar that Zoey has, I stuff the socks IN my shoes, which are in the BOTTOM of my bag, the bag is ON TOP of the kitchen counter so he couldn't get to it. When I got up this morning, I noticed my sports bra on the kitchen counter but nothing else was messed with so I thought I had won. Well after work today, I go to put on my socks and they are gone! That damn cat Houdini'd my socks out of my bag! I've got to get that cat to Hollywood!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Sword

One of Ava's friends, Grace, had a birthday party at school yesterday. Seemed pretty cool because when I picked her up, her face was painted and she had a balloon sword. Well this morning she told me she her sword was "a pirate ship". But those words coming from a mumbling 3 1/2 year old sound like "a pile of sh*t". It took me a minute to figure out what she had really said. Made me chuckle.

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Pee face

So we've been waiting on Wynn to poop all day and finally got it a few minutes ago. Because it had been a while, it was understandably large in size. I was sitting on my bed changing him in front of me. As I was holding his legs up cleaning the poo, I suddenly felt a sprinkle. I looked at him and because of the way I was holding him at an angle, he peed in his own face. I'm talking full-blown pee pee dripping off his face and head. He was halfway asleep up to then but obviously woke himself up. Poor thing... but I got a good chuckle out of it!

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Beer gut

I don't care how much self-confidence you have, there are just some things you should NEVER wear if you're a woman with a gut. A bikini being one of the things. I just saw a chick with a man's beer gut wearing one of those bikinis you buy in the junior department. Good luck getting laid looking like that.

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